offerings for Southern Baptist leaders
by Steve Blow
The Dallas Morning News
June 26, 1998
Memo To: Southern Baptist Leadership.
From: A Proud Baptist.
Subject: A Modest Proposal.
First, let me offer my congratulations on another fine convention. Once
again, the whole country is talking about the wisdom of Southern Baptists.
Directing women to be submissive was brilliant -- and long overdue. To
be honest, I didn't think you could ever match the masterful Disney boycott
of two years back. But, by golly, you came close by proclaiming the inferior
status of women. As a follow-up on that issue, we ought to stress
that women are responsible for all sin in the world (I Timothy 2:12).
And they really need to keep quiet in church, saving questions for their
husbands at home (I Corinthians 14:34).
Thanks to your leadership, we Baptists are on quite a roll. And that brings
me to my reason for writing.
Before you know it, next year's convention will be here. We should be
ready with another great Bible-based truth to proclaim. We must not
nap and allow the "modern interpretation" folks to put their
dangerous spin on our scriptures. So, here's my modest proposal for next
year's convention: child sacrifice.
Remembering our children
I hope it's not too prideful on my part to imagine the big smile spreading
across your faces right now. You're thinking: Of course! Now that we have
put homosexuals and women in their place, it is only natural that we turn
our attention to children. As everyone knows, children are out of control
these days. But how different things would be if they understood their
precious Biblical role as burnt offerings.
Of course, we all know the famous story in Genesis 22 of how Abraham stood
ready to sacrifice Isaac, just as God had instructed. But I'm afraid we
have dwelled too much on the happy ending -- the last-minute reprieve,
the ram in the thicket and all that. When we read this story to children,
we need to focus on how Abraham stacked up a good pile of firewood, how
he tied up his boy and placed him on top of the waiting bonfire, how he
pulled out his knife and prepared to plunge it into his son.
Oh, what a vivid picture for our children to contemplate! Just imagine
how obedient children will become when parents occasionally cock their
ears toward heaven, listening for God's instruction to turn them into
holy toast. One little "What was that, God?" ought to get those
bedrooms picked up and the trash taken out in a hurry!
Straight from the Bible
Let me suggest that we focus in Sunday school on another Bible story that
doesn't get discussed much -- the story of Jephthah in the 11th chapter
of Judges. As this leader of Israel prepared to go into battle, he made
a vow to God: "If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever
comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph
from the Ammonites will be the Lord's, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt
Of course Jephthah whipped those Ammonites like nobody's business. And
we read: "When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should
come out to meet him but his daughter, dancing to the sound of tambourines!"
She was so happy to see her daddy!
But of course, Jephthah wasn't happy to see his only child. "When
he saw her, he tore his clothes and cried, 'Oh! My daughter! You have
made me miserable and wretched, because I have made a vow to the Lord
that I cannot break.' "
Well, children were better in those days, and the daughter said she understood
completely. "But grant me this one request," she said to her
father. "Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends,
because I will never marry." And the Bible tells us, "After
the two months, she returned to her father, and he did to her as he had
Sad, isn't it? But there it is, straight from the Holy Bible, so I see
no room for anyone to disagree.
Well, once again, bless you in your efforts to reduce our Bible to a plain
and simple rule book. It's so much easier than having to read and pray